ano na?

am soooo depressed afterwork today sobrang i wanted to cry...i dont know the reason baka dahil frustrated ako sa work or frustrated ako dahil wlang someone na naghihintay sa akin who will hold my hand and will ask me how my day went and hug me and tell me its all right and would turn my problems into bubbles...

andami kong gustong mangyari sa buhay ko pero hindi ko alam kun mangyayari pa ...hindi ko alam if ill stay like this forever hindi ko alam kun kelan aandar ang kapalaran hindi ko alam kung may mangyayari pa ba...

may mga araw na i love my life pero dumadating din naman ang katulad ngayon na natutulala ako and think of what i lack...

bakit ang sakit maging wla? parang naglalakad ng ng lumulutang lang un wlang pakiramdam pero sa loob masakit kasi empty lang eh hanapin man ang laman wla kasi puro air lang...

frustration ko sa trabaho ko... gusto kong maging importante naman un makita ng kasamahan ko na pag wla ako ano na...un parang may ginagwa naman akong kabuluhan sa team namin...un maganda pla na andun ako na may alam din pala ako..bkt hindi ko un marandaman...bkt lahat n lang binigay na sa knila ano ang para sa akin? bkt wla..training binigay nyo ng lahat sa knila ano pa ang natitira sa akin bkt ako naiiwan gusto ko din mag improve..alam ko minsan tinatamad ako pero naman andami ko naman nagagawa d ba bkt ako pa din wla bkt lagi akong naiiwan ano naman para sa akin? asan na ba ako?

sa pagibig..anong pagibig courting ano un? sa tinagal ng buhay ko hindi ko man naramdaman na minsan may isang lalaki na sinusuyo ako..its always me who breaks even though i never fall...crushes pinuproblema ko kasi ano? hindi nila ako makita? kasi anong papansinin sa akin? hindi ako maganda hindi ako payat hindi ako hindi ako...wla akong lahat ng hinahanap mo..anong meron ako

gusto kong pumunta sa ibang bansa..para magsimulang baguhin ang buhay ko aasa na sana pag nasa lugar ako na wlang kakilala may bagong ako..lahat ng kasinungalingan lilimutin ko lahat ng pagkakamali itutuwid ko at mabuhay ng ako...start from scratch make friends with new friends connect to people and breath...pano ko gagawin un? naghahanap ako ng trabaho pero laging dead end? IT? kulang pa qualification ko eh..eh pano na yan? ano na lang tlgaang buhay ko?

san ako pupulutin? siguro dadating na lang ang araw at mawala ako maraming iiyak oo pamilya ko kamag anak ko kaibigan na hindi ko man lang naramdaman ang umibig..

Lord can i just ask what is Your will for me????? am sorry Lord for this pero am really lost? im in the last thread of giving up but i dont want to pero im really feeling the burden of being empty...hindi ko lang po alam kun san ako pupunta? pwedeng pong kahit slight naman po ng pagasa Lord pwedeng paramdam naman LOrd? please Lord pwedeng pong damayan nyo ko? pwedeng pong akayin nyo ko? Lord i need you po...please help me...sobrang hindi ko na alam kun san ako..Lord God pwedeng pong tulungan nyo po ako?sorry po tlga kaya lang ang hirap po tlga

i am doing something i am gonna hate..it sucks

well i just talked to almond or chat with him..the guy i used to really really liked that it came to a point that i thought i was falling for..well i realized then that i wasnt and what i felt for him was just infatuation a pure but strong crush..and now i am able to talk to him without kilig and even told him what i used to feel for him..but i think he doesnt believe me when i told him that he is not my crush anymore..actually i just asked him about his love life today and told me that i am his love life..and then he asked me if he is cute? well duh?!!..why did he ask me that? i mean he knows and told him over and over again that he is not my crush anymore..he was my crush back then when we were in college but now i have grown and i am not into him..i want a serious relationships now that i can have one..i want mature relationship that possibly can go as far as marriage..and that is what i am hopping and praying for..to meet someone that can bring me to the altar..a relationship that can last a lifetime..right now i havent found that somebody or i am just too preoccupied with my dream boy that i cant see that man or am looking at the wrong direction..
well back with almond..i just think that he is soooooo too sure of himself..so what that i had a crush with him back in college..but thats the thing that was long ago..but he is just too oh my goodness he thinks that he is this gigolo ewww...no way he is a turn off..and to prove to him that i moved on i told him that i have a new crush..that this guy gave me spaghetti for lunch and treat me for starbucks and i even went as far as telling my friend kring the same thing, i made it sound like he is a sweet guy..which is i know is so childish but what can i say.. but instead of proving something to him now i feel really really guilty because i know that its not true and that i am telling a lie and afraid that he would think i am shallow..that i am just a girly girl full of idiocracy inshort puro kaartehan..which i admit i am but i am not all that i have sense too but i dont know why i cant show that when we chat..why is it that our topics are full of nonsense..right now im soooooo irritated of him well thats just because instead of blaming me i just blame him for my stupidity..and then to add salt to the injury i read his forumm which he posted in his web site..he said that he hate girls that are maarte..grrrrrr..is he talking about me or what? i know its lame but hey cant blame me for thinking something like that although he was my ex crush he still is a friend and we will still see each other when we have our reunion...

sad..lonely..alone

i am now listening to songs that would really make anybody sad if they are sad and happy if they are happy..me,i want to cry..cry and weep hard..thinking of things that made a big impact on me for the span a months..i have no big sister to turn to or anybody to run when im feeling this kind of feeling..this loneliness was starting to creep on my system even when i was on my way to work..i was about to cry then but i have to stop the tears from falling..i dont want strangers to see me fall apart..a couple of months ago i have my ate to tell all my problems and laugh at my jokes..go to the mall, hang out at home,talk to before sleeping,rest my head to when i am sleepy while commuting knowing that i wont make a full of myself because i am with my ate..ever since she left for dubai to pursue her dreams i think im lost..up untill now 1 month passed by and i still cry when ever i think of my bestfriend my ate specially when i feel alone like today..what trigger my outburst of emotions? i think the fact that i have nobody to share my loneliness with it used to be my ate but now that she left there is no one around i am here all alone hiding my emotions, crying my heart out in the solace of my room and aloofness..somebody around who i can draw strength to get thru moments like this when i am feeling stupid and depressed..and someone who can stand by me, listen, share, laugh or simply to be with..
and what started as rumbling about my sadness because i miss my ate turn to thinking why i dont have a boyfriend up until now..which leads to questions like what is wrong with me? what is missing? why dont i look like those girls? why am i not pretty or even cute enough? why do guys see me as fat and not who i am? do i have a bad personality? how come i am still alone? how come i havent fallen inlove with any guy? why do guys dont know i exist? how come i never experience being courted to?...why's?..how's?..what's?..when will i meet him?...does he even exists?..or i am bound to be single forever..
after all the questions i still want my fairy tale to come true..im still waiting for my prince to come..i am still waiting for love..
after all this..i realize that i have to be comfortable to be by myself first before being with someone..and that i am searching for someone because i have this specific idea of what i need of him and thats not good..
but again what if God's plan for me is to be a single person..i told God that i give Him my all what ever His plan is I accept..so what if thats the case? its gonna be a long and bumpy road but in the end i know ill be able to accept it..i know that God wont give me anything that He knows wont be good for me..i trust You Lord God and if this is the way for me i just have one prayer and that is to help me realize that and accept...

i dont believe it but it wont hurt if i secretly want it to happen...

last week i have nothing to do so i just decided for the fun of it to do some test about my lovelife or do some hokus pokus reading for my future in the web...and then just a few days later i received an email from a psychic about what she thinks about something that will happen to me for the next months or so...
she said that with in 56 days im going to meet my soulmate..my so-called soulmate will be someone i will meet during a specific time and place which i should be in or else the next time we will meet again would be in ages which means we will meet again when we are older...and it aint good when that happens coz i want to have a family of my own..and so this "guy" is someone i dont know but we have the same likes or habits or the same job the psychic said...
i definitely dont believe in this hokus bogus thing..but honestly i had some doubts...well see here i didnt said anything to the psychic about what i want her to read about me or did i? well i forgot but i think i didnt...so what made her read my future love life...and then she said that 2006 will have a very big impact on me..this would be my greatest year ever..well as of the moment 2006 is really the year that really changed my life i got my first job last january and my sister and i became apart this june...so that one is true..then there is that love thing...deep inside i want to meet that somebody who in a way would be the same as me...she said that he will be a complete stranger i havent met him before...
well if ever this is true..its a nice thing to happen to me because i really really would like no actually love to meet the one for me...i want to meet him because i really need someone to be with now that my sister is physically not present..someone who i can share my thoughts with and emotions, feeling...and well....someone who can accompny me when my parents are not at home coz it is soooo scary when im left alone at home, accompany me to movies or shopping or when i want to eat out...
i know it sounds im being selfish because i am just thinking about myself but i know that if ever the time will come that i have somebody it is not just what i want..our relationship is for the two of us, its not a one man show..its just that since i am clueless on what goes on a relationships i am just thinking of the perks for me..

my te ga

i miss my ate ga...hay! there are times when i think of her and how much i miss our bonding moments i cry and i cant stop crying and when i do stop its like im supressing my feelings and i know that the next time i cry the emotion would be greater than before....
i think for one year i would feel this way because im very close to her...just being at the places where we used to hang out makes me sad just like at the mall that we last spend together we were there to buy my ate's stuff..thinking of it right now makes me teary eyed..i love my ate so much....i pray to God that she can achieve her goals and dreams and i know that she also wishes for someone who will love her forever....
ate miss n miss n miss n miss n kita....love you te ga!

what if i will be single forever?!!!...

last monday while waiting in line for the bus to arrive i had a thought...what if??? earlier that evening, i had a dinner with kring and we were chatting and the topic about guys came up...she said that the only guy she knows that are very honest and loyal with his girlfriend was dennis...and i was like aok dennis...
i remembered how dennis treated us when we were in our dorm..he was sweet in a way...well he told me i had a great voice one time when we were jamming...he also told me that i have a soft or beautiful hands and he actually touched my hands...and then he also made us a soup when lora was not yet around and kring was hungry and he also made a point that i finish my soup or else he will do something to me which in the end he never did...then there was this one time when i was in the veranda of our dorm then he went there to see the view and my friends locked us out he told them that they are just jealous of us...so that was a kilig factor specially because i had a crush with him..then i think that was january when that feeling came back to me...and i found out that he already has a girlfriend i even send him an email saying hi and he never replied...but thats ok i moved on besides it was only a crush...

So...what if the guy for me died already..or that our destiny is not to be together although we are meant to be....what if there is really no guy for me...what if ill never meet him and ill grow old and alone...if that is the situation then its ok and i pray for strength from God so i wont have a hard time accepting it..besides i could spend time with my ate or kuya's family and spoil their kids and buy condominiums or vacation houses...i could also go on trips around the world...i could shop and shop till i drop and not worry about the cost coz i dont have a responsibility, a family that i have to go home to...i could buy things and do things and i dont have to worry about a thing...that would be allright with me if ever it is really what is meant to be for me...
my mom said in one of our chats that she will not allow me not to have a boyfriend..but that is not up to her because if it is God's will for me to be single then that is what will happen...
but if ever i will meet that man i pray and wish that he will be the one for me...i think i cant stand the pain of loving someone and losing him...i have felt that before although they are not my boyfriend and just crushes..i felt the pain when i had to see them not seeing me...and i told myself over and over again that God let me feel those pains because He wants to protect me and make me stronger because when the time comes He gives the one for me i'll be ready...
i just pray that he will be a good guy..i dont care for his looks coz that is not important..i want him to be a family man, kind, loving and with sense of humor and knows how to work hard, romantic, strong...someone who i will feel protected and warmth...
WHAT IFS.........

i'm gonna miss my best friend

yesterday when my ate talked to me on the phone i cant help but cry..although i knew that she is going away still it is something that has really fully sink in on me yet..though everytime i think that we will be apart sooner than i expected tears fall on my eyes...coz i really love her..we never been apart...and that really is something...we are the inseperable duo...people around us are envious of the relationship that me and my ate has...but this is her dream to pursue...

my ate is my best friend and i really love her so much...i sleep beside her, we go to movies together, go to malls or just hangout together, i tell her everything, we laugh and just be a bum when we dont feel like going anywhere..we have the same trip..sometimes when we go out we dont realize that we are waring matching clothes even the foot wear..we think a like and would just laugh when we see something funny without telling each other...

we became close when i had a problem with school and she noticed that something was bothering me..when ever i have problems she would be there and console me..like when it was my birthday and i really felt bad and of cors i cried and she was there for me and we prayed together because i was loosing my faith because of that problem...and i am gratefull for that because after that i became close again with God and my faith became stronger...

when ever a guy courts my sister i am the one who screens them because i dont want my ate to get hurt...i've seen her cry and i dont want that to happen again..she is very strong and seeing her like that really saddenes me and i would cry with her...hehehhe

I really love my sister!!!....God please bless, guide and protect my sister in dubai...please be with her all through out Lord God...

a promise only in words

i decided not to join our graduation ceremony this march because.......uhmmm well i told everybody that i dont want to waste that one day but the truth is i dont want them(meaning the ones i did a lot of stupid stuff when i was still in college and months after that)to see me and vice versa...

although i promised myself that i am gonna march after i finish my masteral and i am gonna do it

i also promised myself that i am gonna stop talking about my crushes to anybody and up untill now i am keeping my promise...but it doesnt mean im gonna stop thinking or dreaming of somethong about them...hehehehe...

i also decided to go on fasting this lenten season..im not gonna eat any meat every friday and i do hope im gonna keep it...i'll have to wait and see...