i am doing something i am gonna hate..it sucks

well i just talked to almond or chat with him..the guy i used to really really liked that it came to a point that i thought i was falling for..well i realized then that i wasnt and what i felt for him was just infatuation a pure but strong crush..and now i am able to talk to him without kilig and even told him what i used to feel for him..but i think he doesnt believe me when i told him that he is not my crush anymore..actually i just asked him about his love life today and told me that i am his love life..and then he asked me if he is cute? well duh?!!..why did he ask me that? i mean he knows and told him over and over again that he is not my crush anymore..he was my crush back then when we were in college but now i have grown and i am not into him..i want a serious relationships now that i can have one..i want mature relationship that possibly can go as far as marriage..and that is what i am hopping and praying for..to meet someone that can bring me to the altar..a relationship that can last a lifetime..right now i havent found that somebody or i am just too preoccupied with my dream boy that i cant see that man or am looking at the wrong direction..
well back with almond..i just think that he is soooooo too sure of himself..so what that i had a crush with him back in college..but thats the thing that was long ago..but he is just too oh my goodness he thinks that he is this gigolo ewww...no way he is a turn off..and to prove to him that i moved on i told him that i have a new crush..that this guy gave me spaghetti for lunch and treat me for starbucks and i even went as far as telling my friend kring the same thing, i made it sound like he is a sweet guy..which is i know is so childish but what can i say.. but instead of proving something to him now i feel really really guilty because i know that its not true and that i am telling a lie and afraid that he would think i am shallow..that i am just a girly girl full of idiocracy inshort puro kaartehan..which i admit i am but i am not all that i have sense too but i dont know why i cant show that when we chat..why is it that our topics are full of nonsense..right now im soooooo irritated of him well thats just because instead of blaming me i just blame him for my stupidity..and then to add salt to the injury i read his forumm which he posted in his web site..he said that he hate girls that are maarte..grrrrrr..is he talking about me or what? i know its lame but hey cant blame me for thinking something like that although he was my ex crush he still is a friend and we will still see each other when we have our reunion...

sad..lonely..alone

i am now listening to songs that would really make anybody sad if they are sad and happy if they are happy..me,i want to cry..cry and weep hard..thinking of things that made a big impact on me for the span a months..i have no big sister to turn to or anybody to run when im feeling this kind of feeling..this loneliness was starting to creep on my system even when i was on my way to work..i was about to cry then but i have to stop the tears from falling..i dont want strangers to see me fall apart..a couple of months ago i have my ate to tell all my problems and laugh at my jokes..go to the mall, hang out at home,talk to before sleeping,rest my head to when i am sleepy while commuting knowing that i wont make a full of myself because i am with my ate..ever since she left for dubai to pursue her dreams i think im lost..up untill now 1 month passed by and i still cry when ever i think of my bestfriend my ate specially when i feel alone like today..what trigger my outburst of emotions? i think the fact that i have nobody to share my loneliness with it used to be my ate but now that she left there is no one around i am here all alone hiding my emotions, crying my heart out in the solace of my room and aloofness..somebody around who i can draw strength to get thru moments like this when i am feeling stupid and depressed..and someone who can stand by me, listen, share, laugh or simply to be with..
and what started as rumbling about my sadness because i miss my ate turn to thinking why i dont have a boyfriend up until now..which leads to questions like what is wrong with me? what is missing? why dont i look like those girls? why am i not pretty or even cute enough? why do guys see me as fat and not who i am? do i have a bad personality? how come i am still alone? how come i havent fallen inlove with any guy? why do guys dont know i exist? how come i never experience being courted to?...why's?..how's?..what's?..when will i meet him?...does he even exists?..or i am bound to be single forever..
after all the questions i still want my fairy tale to come true..im still waiting for my prince to come..i am still waiting for love..
after all this..i realize that i have to be comfortable to be by myself first before being with someone..and that i am searching for someone because i have this specific idea of what i need of him and thats not good..
but again what if God's plan for me is to be a single person..i told God that i give Him my all what ever His plan is I accept..so what if thats the case? its gonna be a long and bumpy road but in the end i know ill be able to accept it..i know that God wont give me anything that He knows wont be good for me..i trust You Lord God and if this is the way for me i just have one prayer and that is to help me realize that and accept...